WAB's Power Rankings - Preseason Edition

[wab]

They are back, and un-funny as ever. This is just the preseason edition...I'll dazzle you all each week after the regular season starts.

Assuming I'm not too lazy to do them week in and week out.

1. New York Giants – They are the champs, and the preseason stinks like a squirt of asparagus whiz. So until proven otherwise, they shall stay here.

2. New England Patriots – The Pats were the prom queen who missed the big dance because she was in the handicapped stall changing her tampon, but she’s just a junior so there is a chance she can come back and win the crown again…unless a hot new chick moves to town and bangs half the varsity. I’m not sure if this analogy makes sense to anyone else but me…

3. Green Bay Packers – They haven’t looked great in the preseason and there are some injuries to worry about…and the hater in me wants them to begin their slide…but they are the team to beat in the NFC North.

4. Baltimore Ravens – The window is closing fast on that defense. A hundred year old Ray Lewis, an 85 year old Ed Reed, no Terrell Suggs, no Jarrett Johnson (a guy who didn’t get nearly enough credit). This season is only going to go one of two ways.

5. San Francisco 49ers – Was last year a fluke? Maybe…but I don’t think so. A lot of people want a Harbaugh Bowl…but a lot of people were looking forward to the opening ceremonies at the Olympics. How’d that turn out?

6. Pittsburgh Steelers – For most of the year, it looked like the Steelers were primed to return to the Super Bowl, but the Hand of Tebow prevented that…well that and the defense kept falling apart at the wrong times.

7. Houston Texans – TJ Yates took the Texans to their 1st playoff game in franchise history, and if he has to try it again, he’ll be taking my order at Wendy’s.

8. Detroit Lions – Being a team full of douchebags might give you a temporary bump in confidence, but eventually they are going to come down harder than Owen Hart.

9. Chicago Bears – In my head I’m trying to pump the breaks on the hype train that this team is riding on, but as long as J’Marcus Webb and Chris Williams don’t morph together and implode like that guy at the end of TimeCop, I think they will go deep into the playoffs.

10. Seattle Seahawks – Matt Flynn is finally living up (down?) to his draft status, but Russell Wilson has been a revelation...all 5’10 of him. If they can find a consistent performer at QB, that defense will keep them in enough games to merit wild card consideration.

11. Kansas City Chiefs – Romeo Crennel should be able to build on the solid finish to last season. The line looks better and the defense has the potential to be special. Now if Matt Cassell can just get that Sesame Street sized cranium out of his ass long enough to string together a season of effective football, they should win the division.

12. Atlanta Falcons – No more excuses Atlanta. You are close to becoming the NFC’s version of the Chargers.

13. San Diego Chargers – Speaking of which. Norv Turner still sucks, Phillip Rivers is still a baby, and a very talented team has spent the last 6 years wasting it.

14. Dallas Cowboys – How many excuses are their fans and talking heads going to make for the Cowboys and Tony Romo before they all start universally hating them like the rest of America does?

15. New Orleans Saints – Look, maybe they will be just fine without half the coaching staff. Maybe the defense will be productive without a few key players. Maybe Drew Brees won’t half-ass it after having bags of money thrown at him. Maybe The Avengers was based on true events.

16. Cincinnati Bengals – I like how they changed Andy Dalton’s nickname from the Red Rocket to the Red Rifle. I guess the mental image of a dog’s dong isn’t lining up endorsement deals. But hey, AJ Green is pretty good huh?

17. Philadelphia Eagles – The defense has looked pretty good, but there is a dark cloud hovering over this team. It’s up to them to decide if they want to win one for the walrus, or if they fall apart at the seams. It doesn’t help that Mike Vick can’t stay on the field for three consecutive plays.

18. Denver Broncos – Instead of marveling at Peyton Manning, I think I’ll patiently wait for news that the Westboro Baptist Church plans to spend the rest of eternity protesting the Denver Broncos.

19. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton will likely regress a little, but I’m expecting Ron Rivera’s defense to be better than it was last year. And by “better” I mean “only slightly less terrible than it was before, and at times, possibly even passable”.

20. New York Jets – Well let’s see…Sanchez has been terrible…Tebow has been, uh, Tebow…and the line has surrendered 90 sacks since the start of camp. Watching Rex Ryan come unglued over the course of this season is going to be amazeballs.

21. Buffalo Bills – If Ryan Fitzpatrick can remember how to play football for 16 weeks and the defense makes it’s expectedly successful transition back to a 4-3, the 2012 Bills could be the best thing to hit upstate New York since the hot wing.

22. Tennessee Titans – Last year they wondered how good they’d be if Jake Locker started from the beginning. This year they get to find out. Unless Chris Johnson holds out again…which is always a possibility.

23. Washington Redskins – Fun Fact…RG3 isn’t the only RG3 on the team. However, I don’t see Rex Grossman III in too many Subway commercials.

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Greg Schiano is a really good coach. He’s got a team full of high draft picks and blue chip prospects. He’s also got a team that’s lazy and unmotivated. Tampa could be a sleeper if he can get the guys to play for him.

25. Oakland Raiders – On paper they have all kinds of talent, but Carson Palmer looks like he’d rather be back on his couch eating cheese doodles than under center. I give it week 6 before the training wheels come off Terrelle Pryor.

26. St. Louis Rams – I don’t know why this team isn’t better…and I don’t know why everyone thinks Jeff Fisher is such a good coach.

27. Miami Dolphins – Step on up Ryan Tannehill. You get the honor of throwing to…no one, and trying not to put what was a perfectly fine defense before it was revamped in consistently bad field position.

28. Arizona Cardinals – The talent is there. Except at QB. And along the offensive line. They are gonna be fiiiiine (Matt Barkley jerseys go on pre-order September 9th at noon).

29. Minnesota Vikings – Can we just move these guys to LA and swap them out with the Rams? Thanks…signed the NFC North.

30. Jacksonville Jaguars – When the best thing you can say about a team through two preseason games is “well at least Blaine Gabbert isn’t closing his eyes when he throws the ball”…yeesh.

31. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck has looked good legit through the first two preseason games, but it’s going to take a while to clear the room of the smell of that dump Curtis Painter left in the ductwork.

32. Cleveland Browns – Based on everything that has transpired up to this point, they can only hope the Mayans are right. Poor Joe Thomas.

[Hardhitter47]

Un-funny as ever is an understatement.

[DaDitka]

Thanks WAB, sorry to hear about you tampon problem.

Oh...and the Jets will find their way to 32 in short order.

[RING4CHI]

Power rankings!

Football is around the corner!

[StuckN85]

3. Green Bay Packers – They haven’t looked great in the preseason and there are some injuries to worry about…and the hater in me wants them to begin their slide…but they are the team to beat in the NFC North.

Ditto, would love to see the Packers fall apart at the seams. Oh, and I was expecting to see a much more serious attempt to actually gauge teams during the preseason. Glad to see the comic relief.

[Bad Flanders]

There were some funny ones in there...

The truth is that Atlanta really is the freakin' NFC's version of SD though! That's the nail on the head there!

[wab]

Oh, and I was expecting to see a much more serious attempt to actually gauge teams during the preseason. Glad to see the comic relief.

I try to rank the teams in the order I believe they should be in. But outside of that power rankings are some of the most rediculous things in all of sports, so we (I) try and have fun with them.

[UOK]

Ah, the WAB power rankings return. Excellent

[dadoc]

a hot new chick moves to town and bangs half the varsity. I’m not sure if this analogy makes sense to anyone else but me…

I was engaged to that chick thank you. Ask DaDitka she is 35 and still thinks she is that chick. Thank God I dodged that bullet.

Any who I honestly think the Colts should be higher on your list. I think with how bad Jacksonville and Nashville are that they win at least 3 out of 4 there. I also think they win 2 out of the MIA, Jets, CLE, MIN games. So I think 5 wins is very doable. IMO.

[IE]

I'd like to take this opportunity to say that Ron Turner sucks, and his brother Norv sucks, and their illegitimate Air Coryell nephew Mike Martz sucks.

[UOK]

Don't sleep on Jacksonville's defense. I don't think they're going to be nearly as bad as everyone predicts.

[DaDitka]

Don't sleep on Jacksonville's defense. I don't think they're going to be nearly as bad as everyone predicts.

Agreed. I think they will be much more dangerous then anyone seems to think.

[wab]

Perfect...then a lot of their games will end in 0-0 ties. Because unless Gabbert gets his shit together, it;s going to be a long year. Not saying it won't happen...but Miami had a prety good defense last year too...

[UOK]

Perfect...then a lot of their games will end in 0-0 ties. Because unless Gabbert gets his shit together, it;s going to be a long year. Not saying it won't happen...but Miami had a prety good defense last year too...

I'm just saying, lol. To me the Jaguars franchise, on the whole, will always be the football equivalent of this expression:

[dadoc]

At least he didn't eat it. I still think the Colts can sweep them, especially if no MJD

[UOK]

8. Detroit Lions – Being a team full of douchebags might give you a temporary bump in confidence, but eventually they are going to come down harder than Owen Hart.

That one got a "I'm going to hell for this" laugh. Well done.

[wab]

I knew that if anyone would pick up on that...it would be you. I laughed as I typed it, so I'll see you down there.

[Bears Whiskey Nut]

"They are back, and un-funny as ever. This is just the preseason edition...I'll dazzle you all each week after the regular season starts."

New to the site. Convert from the CBMB debacle.

These are outstanding. Keep 'em coming. I might have given the Eagles more props than you did, that was until Vick went down with a rib injury...again.

I agree that the Jets are one bad Sanchez game away from complete mayhem and the bottom of the NFL.

I also think the Lions are going to come up short this year. No way does Stafford have the same year he had last year. That team is a couple tough losses away from complete implosion.

[IE]

Yeah - it might take a couple of rounds for everyone to appreciate wab's subtle references... but they're usually pretty good, and some are absolute gold.

I live outside of Detroit, and follow the Lions quite a bit. I'll root for them against the hated vike or the evil pack. But no - I agree they won't have as much success as they did last year. They're not going to take anyone by surprise, and teams aren't going to line up to shoot themselves in the foot against them like the boys and vike last year... and heck, the Bears did too the first game - I was there & it was brutal.

Stafford is good and megatron is the best WR in the league... but they have a lot of weaknesses.

[shook30]

I like your power rankings, but Detroit ahead of Chicago? For real?!?

Also, not sure if I would have Pit. that high... I see alotta ? marks on there roster.

[IE]

I think he's very worried about LT ... but I'd rather have either of ours than Backus.

[LandStander]

I'd want to put Chicago above Detroit too, but it is preseason and they did make the playoffs last year. The Bears have to prove it on the field what we're all thinking: the Bears are a better team. All I can say is that I'd be pissed if I were a Lions fan and I saw the Bears ranked higher. I would be all like: what the hell have they done? And they'd be right except for the beat down we gave them last November! What a game!

[shook30]

I think he's very worried about LT ... but I'd rather have either of ours than Backus.

I'd also rather have our defense over theres (if both are healthy), our RB's over there's, and we have the best ST in the league. Not too mention, our offensive line got that much better from moving from the Martz system.

Yeah Stafford to Megatron is deadly... but after Megatron who they got? Pettigrew? Bennett is a stud imo and Jeffrey is looking like he could step in and make some plays as well.

IDK, Detroit is way too inconsistent (on both sides of the ball) for me. The Chicago Bears look tough in all three phases...

[KOP_Snake]

Un-funny as ever is an understatement.

[downstatedan]

I like your power rankings, but Detroit ahead of Chicago? For real?!?

Also, not sure if I would have Pit. that high... I see alotta ? marks on there roster.

I think you have to put Detroit ahead because they made the playoffs and we didn't. But I doubt if they stay ahead. They will score a lot of points and rack up ridiculous yardage but they have no running game and their defense starts and ends with the line. I smell a collapse coming.

I also have some questions about the Steelers - their offensive line is too young and the defense is old - older than ours. That's two big question marks. They could wind up third behind the Ravens and Bengals.

[DaDitka]

Yeah, I could see the Bears with 4 more wins then Detroit, but you still have to rank them higher for now.

On a side note....yeah, I just said Detroit and Higher in the same sentence.

[downstatedan]

Yeah, I could see the Bears with 4 more wins then Detroit, but you still have to rank them higher for now.

On a side note....yeah, I just said Detroit and Higher in the same sentence.

lol - the Lions new theme song: " onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Hardhitter47]

Un-funny as ever is an understatement.

[wab]

I don't think the Lions will stay above the Bears during the preseason. A lot of what I consider in the preseason rankings is how things ended up last year, what they did in the draft/offseason, and how they fared through the first couple preseason games.

One thing you won't find here is a bunch of Bears homers...so if there is a better team out there, we aren't afraid to admit it.

Hell - half the time DD is telling me I have the Bears way too high.

[DaDitka]

Hell - half the time DD is telling me I have the Bears way too high.

Very true.....but it's going to be pretty kick-ass when they top the preseason rankings next year.