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mmmc_35
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I have thought about starting a thread like this for a while. Basically a thread to tell about something that happens, or happened, to you that others would laugh at.

My first story will be an example of something that just happened minutes ago, but is all to frequent for me and many men. Its not an amazing story, but the one I wanted to start with is cumbersome right now.

My mother in law, in fact my wife's entire family, and I do not exactly see eye to eye. We come from different worlds. Today my mother in law comes over. Its mid day. She says, "Oh I thought you would be sleeping." (I work 11pm-7am) I explain that today is my day off but I am tired from working the previous night. She states, "Well I brought over two pastries I didn't think you would be awake." The said pastries are ear marked for my wife and her. I said verbatim, "Oh thanks for the thought but I would have declined if you did."

A very short time later (minutes), I am again proposed with the "if I knew you where awake I would have brought you one statement". I stated verbatim, "I would not have wanted one, but I appreciate the thought."

The mother in law retreats to the kitchen, and reappears with two forks, for their fluffy flaky cream filled pastries. I begin to look at BFO threads and scratch myself in the adjacent room.

I return to the living room after a brief masculine scratch. The wife and mother in law are sitting down. The mother in law says, "Well I could cut them in to thirds, so you could have some." Bewildered my response, "I don't know how more clearly I could state this....I wouldn't want one, and I don't want one. I do continue to appreciate the thoughts, but I do not want nor have I asked for any."

Of course this instigates the wife into bitching at me for treating her mother like a child. This of course destroys our chances of having a good night together.

So not only did I not get a fluffy pastry that I did not want, my mother in law basically cock blocked me on my day off. She seems dumb, but is an evil genius.
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The girl I'm dating is totally awesome, but her family is utter drama. I've never met them, but we're getting to that point, and I'm anticipating years of dealing with their bullshit.
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This falls under the dumb category.

A buddy of mine had a shed out in his backyard that sat behind their garage. It was about 15 feet long and 8 feet wide. We would "camp" out in the shed a few times a summer. We would have older brothers/older friends buy us beer. We were all 14-16 years old.

We would venture out of the shed when it got dark to wreak havoc. We would go to "The Bowl." The "Bowl" was the local DIII college football field that sat sunken into the ground. Bascially the field was surrounded by a hill. We would start smoking weed in one corner and pass the joint in hopes of smoking until we completed a lap around the field. It never happened.

So drunk and high we scoured thru the neighborhood. We came upon a church and realized the side door was open. About 6-7 of us entered the church and made our way to the kitchen. Their we found a Tupperware container of ham salad sandwiches, a case of Pepsi (of course glass bottles back in the day) and hundreds of envelopes of Koo Aid. Yea, we took it all, friggin stole from a church to satisfy the munchies :evilgrin:

Still bothers me a little to this day that I took part. Hell, I even confessed this during a confession once, not in detail but still confessed :(
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One would think that was devine intervention. Ham sammys and Koolaid just sitting there as hungry parishioners wandered passed his Holy Temple.

UOK it sucks. Its hard to deal with in laws.
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Otis Day
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I have been lucky as hell with my in-laws (ma and pa anyway). They are the greatest. Can't complain at all about them. Unfortunately my mother-in-law is in bad shape at the moment. She was diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer in November. She has fought hard but her battle is nearly over. We are hoping for her sake she will pass peacefully soon in her own bed. She will be missed.
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Rusty Trombagent
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oh shit i have an award winning story that's going to take me forever to type up.
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mmmc_35
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Tails From the Jail

Background. This guy has been in the jail a few times, he is not crazy, but an asshole especially when drunk. He was drunk during this incident. We will call him Carl.

Carl came to jail hammered, arrested for beating his wife, and has a few other charges. Carl was being a belligerent asshole, threatening to kick my ass, and because of his unstable behavior went to segregation. Carl begins demanding to use the phone. Carl knows there is no phone in segregation, because inmates would destroy them. Carl's been in this situation before.

Carl not getting to do, what ever fuck Carl wants to do, decides to strip naked in his cell. For some reason this behavior is more common then one would think. Carl decides to begin screaming that he is suicidal. Remember Carl has been here before. Carl knows suicidal ideation means Carl will need to have all ligature making fabric removed from his cell, and replaced with a fabric that doesn't tear easy.

I rengage Carl in discussions to get his clothing and linens in exchange for his new suicide prevention garb. Carl is not having it. Carl insists I let him go so he can rape my wife. Negotiations have failed. I begin to explain to Carl that I will be forced to enter his cell to retrieve the items. Carl is fixated on raping my family.

Now picture yourself, taking a hammer and driving in a nail. Carl grabs himself, at the base. He slams the tip of his privates against the steel sink. He repeats this many times with force equivalent to driving in a nail. I think to myself, "huh this went a weird direction". Carl continues this behavior, while yelling obscenities about rape and his death.

Eventually me and a couple others grab Carl and toss him into another cell away from the fabric. Carl in his new living quarters, refusing to wear the suicide covering, places his privates on the sink again. This time he begins hammer fisting his tenders. Like hard. Contact with Carl was ended.

I have seen some shit, but that one turned my stomach. It didn't seem real to use that much force on your own equipment.
Last edited by mmmc_35 on Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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That's really fucked up, but people can be fucked up, so it doesn't shock me.

Edit: If you want to be immediately desensitized to the world, read about Ian Watkins' trial. It is so awful in so many ways.
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Rusty Trombagent
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carl reminded me alot of the georgia vs allen transcript that's been floating around for awhile, and was lovingly redered by the rick and morty guys. until the self harm stuff, anyway.

[video][/video]
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In college, a guy that lived in my dorm (we'll call him Fred), was one of the few people who could intimidate me if he wanted to. He only stood 6-1 maybe 6-2, but the guy never realized his physical potential by working out. The guy had such natural strength that it was scary. He used to win drinks by bending quarters between his thumb and index finger. (that's how I met him officially...always nodded hi in the dorm, but out at the bar he bent a quarter and I challenged him to bend it back with just 1 hand...I won a shot from him...became good acquaintances). Fred was generally a nice guy but played rugby and got belligerent as could be after a loss when the team went out drinking.

So Fred had a game on a Friday, lost, went out and drank an I guess started some stuff with "a group of guys" but not much happened other than some pushing and a lot of talk.

So the next evening a few of us were going out to dinner as Fred was heading out to "breakfast" so he tagged along and told us what he could remember of the game and the night before. Turns out the group of guys were from the less than reputable frat houses. Bunch of scum bags (rape allegations against them every year I was there). We all decided to go out for a low key night of drinks and darts since the place was close enough to walk to. Fred tells us he'll meet us there.

So we're walking up to the place and Fred is hanging out in front and just as he turns to say hi, a guy runs up with a baseball bat, winds up and cracks him in the back of the head. Trouble is Fred didn't go down.

All he does is turn and go "what the Fuck! You just hit me! You just hit me with a baseball bat!" Each word is getting louder as he talks...assuming Fred is getting pissed.

The attacker, obviously not being the brightest guy in the world, after a little shock of seeing his blind sided target just turn and yell at him, tries to hit him again with the bat. Fred catches the bat and rips it out of the guy's hands. With a face turning purple Fred yells something about sticking the bat up this guys anus and using him for batting practice and nimrod finally decides its a good time to beat feet.

Fred gives chase for a few steps before he just smashes the bat 1-2-3 times into the sidewalk before it snaps. He turns around tosses it into a trash can stalks into the bar and yelling at us "lets get those drinks!"

Same guy reportedly had 3-5??? linemen from the football team trying to goad him into a fight calling him a pussy rugby player and all sorts of things before he grabbed one of them by the neck whipped him around like a rag doll and yelled in his face "I don't want to fight, can't you understand that!" Football guys just went away after that...

Fred epitomized the guy that you never wanted to get angry. There are other stories about him, but those are the 2 I believe. One because I was there, the other because I knew the bar tender pretty good who told me.
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mmmc_35
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UOK you mean the pedo? I have read some really sick complaint warrants and PC affidavits. I can't openly talk about them but there are some bad ones. I have a bunch of jail stories, that was tame compared to some.

I love Fred, dudes awesome. He just used his thumb and index finger on the outer ring? Or did he puts the center with his thumb between his index and middle?

The Rick and morty thing is funny.
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mmmc_35 wrote:UOK you mean the pedo?
Yeah, the guy was a totally twisted fuck. Made me sick to read about. I usually try to ignore a lot of the darker sides of the world, but on occasion I find myself going down the rabbit hole.
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Otis Day
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Probation stories:

Meeting female client for the first time. Discussing medical conditions/problems and she states she has "Cracknesia." I tell her I have not heard of that condition and ask her to explain it to me. She replies, "It is memory loss for smoking too much crack."

Male juvenile being questioned by police officer after stabbing (with a pencil) another student in the lunchroom of the high school.

Officer: What happened?
Juvie: I saw him talking to my girlfriend and I got pissed. He was sitting behind me in the lunchroom. I took out my Ticonderoga #2 pencil and I stabbed him!!"
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mmmc_35 wrote:I love Fred, dudes awesome. He just used his thumb and index finger on the outer ring? Or did he puts the center with his thumb between his index and middle?
He would kinda make a fist with the quarter between his thumb and the side of his index finger
I will kill you if you cut me at the knees. You will drink with me when invited and stay til I say so. We only listen to American Music. I make men nervous with just my presence. I expect an apology if you hold. I throw linemen at QB's. Believe the Lore!
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mmmc_35
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Otis Day wrote: I took out my Ticonderoga #2 pencil and I stabbed him!!"
He has a fine choice in writing utensils. So he has that going for him.
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Cat Food

So for Christmas I got the wife and kids a puppy. She wanted another dog or a kid. I chose dog. She said I wouldn't have to do anything, she loved the dog so much. She would walk her, feed her, train her, etc. Obviously that was a lie. So I have had to fix some of the deficiencies. I finally got her house broke and working on basic commands. I feed the dogs, had to clean most of her shits, and basically I am the main care giver.

Recently my wife bought a giant bag of cat food. She opened it and placed it on the floor in our back room. I caught the pup eating out of the cat food bag, and placed the bag in a cabinet. I explained to my wife the "New Cat Food SOP". She said she understood. My wife broke the SOP consistently. I continued to try and train my wife on the cat food SOP. The wife did not respond well to training.

So a few nights ago I again found the cat food on the floor in the back room. The pup was gorging herself in fish shaped goodness. I moved the bag to its rightful storage location. That evening the pup had the worst flatulence one has ever witnessed. She could not stop passing gas. To the point the sound and length of the farts worried everyone, including the pup. The humans were forced to retreat to higher ground, abandoning the toxic puppy. The cat food clearly was not sitting well.

Then came the shit. Liquid feces lined 80 percent of the first floor. The home should have been condemned. Luckily I couldn't help clear I had to go to work. Finally karma strikes my wife. She is forced to clean her mistakes. It was foul. I grew up on a pig farm, and this made me nauseous.

Theb Icome home and the house still stunk, the wife woke and began recleaning. I went to bed laughing. When I woke I went downstairs to a clean home. While in transit I stopped and looked in the back room, to find the fucking cat food bag on the floor.
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My wife is an absolute slob. That is all.
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My wife used to be but I've become more of a zero tolerance dude as I've gotten older... she's gotten the hint :lol:
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I'm just tired all the time, so I don't have the energy to fight it. Plus we have a lady that comes every couple weeks and cleans. Then she's all like "the kids should do more chores" and I'm all like "fire the cleaning lady then".

The next empty wine glass my wife picks up will be the first.
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My wife will do laundry all day, everyday. She will do the dishes every night as well. She will dust and vacuum some, but by god she is a fuckin mess at the supper table. You can tell where she sat, salt, sugar, syrup, juice, if she spills she rarely cleans the shit up. If there is a leaf on the floor, I will purposely not pick it up to see how long it lays there. After days I go fucking nuts and tell her she flunked the test. It is very strange the shit she will do as opposed to won't do. :frustrated:
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mmmc_35 wrote:Cat Food
She said I wouldn't have to do anything, she loved the dog so much. She would walk her, feed her, train her, etc. Obviously that was a lie. So I have had to fix some of the deficiencies. I finally got her house broke and working on basic commands. I feed the dogs, had to clean most of her shits, and basically I am the main care giver.

Recently my wife bought a giant bag of cat food. She opened it and placed it on the floor in our back room. I caught the pup eating out of the cat food bag, and placed the bag in a cabinet. I explained to my wife the "New Cat Food SOP". She said she understood. My wife broke the SOP consistently. I continued to try and train my wife on the cat food SOP. The wife did not respond well to training.
This is an oft-familiar tale. People like the *idea* of pets:

- CUTE
- FLUFFY
- FRIENDLY
- HAPPY
- THEY LOVE ME ALWAYS, YAY
- SO SO CUUUUUUTE
- SOCIAL MEDIA PICS = INSTANT VALIDATION OF MY EXISTENCE VIA LIKES

Then they get the pet, and it's like some shocking revelation that this is a living, breathing thing that requires diligence, patience, discipline, and training just to get to the point where it won't routinely shart and dribble its bodily waste in and across your home.
wab wrote:My wife is an absolute slob. That is all.
G08 wrote:My wife used to be but I've become more of a zero tolerance dude as I've gotten older... she's gotten the hint :lol:

Need more info about what a "slob" is. Are we talking typical lady mess:

- Destroying/covering bathroom in makeup/beauty/feminine hygiene products
- Leaving fucking laundry EVERYWHERE and never doing laundry for weeks on end seemingly
- Shoes! Thousands of fucking shoes! And they're EVERYWHERE
- Various hair accoutrements showing up on bedside tables, in blankets, couch cushions
- Using all the fucking towels

Or typical slob stuff:

- Dishes: Not scraping, not loading, not emptying, and overusing
- Trash: Overstuffing the trash can full of stuff instead of taking it out
- Sink: Treating the garbage disposal like it's an industrial shredder, routinely clogging plumbing & wrecking your GD
- General neglect and no desire to clean or dust anything in the house at any time
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Rusty Trombagent
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UOK wrote: This is an oft-familiar tale. People like the *idea* of pets:

- CUTE
- FLUFFY
- FRIENDLY
- HAPPY
- THEY LOVE ME ALWAYS, YAY
- SO SO CUUUUUUTE
- SOCIAL MEDIA PICS = INSTANT VALIDATION OF MY EXISTENCE VIA LIKES

Then they get the pet, and it's like some shocking revelation that this is a living, breathing thing that requires diligence, patience, discipline, and training just to get to the point where it won't routinely shart and dribble its bodily waste in and across your home.
yeah, and you can usually tell right away the personality type. When a friend tells you "i'm going to get a dog" and you're like, ok, well, good luck with the rest of your life. i looooovvvveeeee dogs, but god do i hate poorly behaved dogs.
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Need more info about what a "slob" is. Are we talking typical lady mess:

- Destroying/covering bathroom in makeup/beauty/feminine hygiene products
- Leaving fucking laundry EVERYWHERE and never doing laundry for weeks on end seemingly
- Shoes! Thousands of fucking shoes! And they're EVERYWHERE
- Various hair accoutrements showing up on bedside tables, in blankets, couch cushions
- Using all the fucking towels

Or typical slob stuff:

- Dishes: Not scraping, not loading, not emptying, and overusing
- Trash: Overstuffing the trash can full of stuff instead of taking it out
- Sink: Treating the garbage disposal like it's an industrial shredder, routinely clogging plumbing & wrecking your GD
- General neglect and no desire to clean or dust anything in the house at any time
All of the above. And leaving her PJ's on the bathroom floor...and when I thrown them in the hamper I get "I was gonna wear those again tonight!".


She grew up in a very affluent house. Her dad was an Air Force General and was gone pretty much all the time, so she had a nanny and a housekeeper...and she never learned how to to a single. god. damn. thing. for. herself.

The house looks like a homeless shelter but her car is fucking spotless at all times. "YOU LEFT A CHIPOTLE CUP IN THE CONSOLE OF MY CARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.
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wab wrote: Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.
wab please i'm begging you to stop, i can only get so erect
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wab wrote: Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.
:rofl:
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I found this funny today.

I am sitting down paying bills. Bills that I don't really understand. Bills that pretty much just irritate me. So I am paying my utility bill. After I submit the payment it always increases a few dollars. I have always figured it was taxes and fees, but never really looked at why.

Today it caught my eye, why final payment increases after I submit and accept it. I am charged $5 for a "convenience" fee. Yes its so convenient to give, the utility company, my money online. So convenient that I MUST PAY for the convenience.

Now I am not charged this fee when I bring them a check. I am not penalized for forcing them to staff a person to greet me, another to accept my check, and probably another to take my check to the bank. So I must question who the fuck is this actually a convenience for? It seems to me I should be given a credit, for not inconveniencing the utility company. Sending binary code through space to immediately give them my money seems much more efficient.

So luckily the utility company is on the way to and from my job. That's convenience. Luckily I can stop in and pay, in cash. That's convenience. Luckily they will not be able to charge me for that convenience. That's convenient. Luckily they will be forced to process the cash, and have change on hand, all which will cost them. That's inconvenient for them. This marks the first day in the Convenience War.
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My mother-in-law has a heart of gold, but doesn't have a brain to go with it.

My wife and I celebrated our first anniversary back in September. The MIL brings over gifts for us. An umbrella and a 3 pack of flashlights. Then for Christmas, we were given a 2 pack of electric toothbrushes.
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RING4CHI wrote:My mother-in-law has a heart of gold, but doesn't have a brain to go with it.

My wife and I celebrated our first anniversary back in September. The MIL brings over gifts for us. An umbrella and a 3 pack of flashlights. Then for Christmas, we were given a 2 pack of electric toothbrushes.
That's nothing if not practical. My first Christmas gift from my ex MIL was a craftsman wrench. Not a set of craftsman wrenches...just one. One 9/16 wrench.

My first Christmas gift from my new MIL was an iPad.
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mmmc_35 wrote:Cat Food

So for Christmas I got the wife and kids a puppy. She wanted another dog or a kid. I chose dog. She said I wouldn't have to do anything, she loved the dog so much. She would walk her, feed her, train her, etc. Obviously that was a lie. So I have had to fix some of the deficiencies. I finally got her house broke and working on basic commands. I feed the dogs, had to clean most of her shits, and basically I am the main care giver.

Recently my wife bought a giant bag of cat food. She opened it and placed it on the floor in our back room. I caught the pup eating out of the cat food bag, and placed the bag in a cabinet. I explained to my wife the "New Cat Food SOP". She said she understood. My wife broke the SOP consistently. I continued to try and train my wife on the cat food SOP. The wife did not respond well to training.

So a few nights ago I again found the cat food on the floor in the back room. The pup was gorging herself in fish shaped goodness. I moved the bag to its rightful storage location. That evening the pup had the worst flatulence one has ever witnessed. She could not stop passing gas. To the point the sound and length of the farts worried everyone, including the pup. The humans were forced to retreat to higher ground, abandoning the toxic puppy. The cat food clearly was not sitting well.

Then came the shit. Liquid feces lined 80 percent of the first floor. The home should have been condemned. Luckily I couldn't help clear I had to go to work. Finally karma strikes my wife. She is forced to clean her mistakes. It was foul. I grew up on a pig farm, and this made me nauseous.

Theb Icome home and the house still stunk, the wife woke and began recleaning. I went to bed laughing. When I woke I went downstairs to a clean home. While in transit I stopped and looked in the back room, to find the fucking cat food bag on the floor.


so, the unanswered question is, why did she buy cat food in the first place?

she did realize it was a puppy you brought home, not a kitten?

or did she think all pet food is the same (it isn't)?
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
George Carlin
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RustyTrubisky wrote:oh shit i have an award winning story that's going to take me forever to type up.

we're still waiting ..... you tease
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
George Carlin
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