Your Personal Life Funny/Dumb/Crazy Stories

[UOK]

Cat Food
She said I wouldn't have to do anything, she loved the dog so much. She would walk her, feed her, train her, etc. Obviously that was a lie. So I have had to fix some of the deficiencies. I finally got her house broke and working on basic commands. I feed the dogs, had to clean most of her shits, and basically I am the main care giver.

Recently my wife bought a giant bag of cat food. She opened it and placed it on the floor in our back room. I caught the pup eating out of the cat food bag, and placed the bag in a cabinet. I explained to my wife the "New Cat Food SOP". She said she understood. My wife broke the SOP consistently. I continued to try and train my wife on the cat food SOP. The wife did not respond well to training.

This is an oft-familiar tale. People like the *idea* of pets:

- CUTE
- FLUFFY
- FRIENDLY
- HAPPY
- THEY LOVE ME ALWAYS, YAY
- SO SO CUUUUUUTE
- SOCIAL MEDIA PICS = INSTANT VALIDATION OF MY EXISTENCE VIA LIKES

Then they get the pet, and it's like some shocking revelation that this is a living, breathing thing that requires diligence, patience, discipline, and training just to get to the point where it won't routinely shart and dribble its bodily waste in and across your home.

My wife is an absolute slob. That is all.

My wife used to be but I've become more of a zero tolerance dude as I've gotten older... she's gotten the hint

Need more info about what a "slob" is. Are we talking typical lady mess:

- Destroying/covering bathroom in makeup/beauty/feminine hygiene products
- Leaving fucking laundry EVERYWHERE and never doing laundry for weeks on end seemingly
- Shoes! Thousands of fucking shoes! And they're EVERYWHERE
- Various hair accoutrements showing up on bedside tables, in blankets, couch cushions
- Using all the fucking towels

Or typical slob stuff:

- Dishes: Not scraping, not loading, not emptying, and overusing
- Trash: Overstuffing the trash can full of stuff instead of taking it out
- Sink: Treating the garbage disposal like it's an industrial shredder, routinely clogging plumbing & wrecking your GD
- General neglect and no desire to clean or dust anything in the house at any time

[Rusty Trombagent]

This is an oft-familiar tale. People like the *idea* of pets:

- CUTE
- FLUFFY
- FRIENDLY
- HAPPY
- THEY LOVE ME ALWAYS, YAY
- SO SO CUUUUUUTE
- SOCIAL MEDIA PICS = INSTANT VALIDATION OF MY EXISTENCE VIA LIKES

Then they get the pet, and it's like some shocking revelation that this is a living, breathing thing that requires diligence, patience, discipline, and training just to get to the point where it won't routinely shart and dribble its bodily waste in and across your home.

yeah, and you can usually tell right away the personality type. When a friend tells you "i'm going to get a dog" and you're like, ok, well, good luck with the rest of your life. i looooovvvveeeee dogs, but god do i hate poorly behaved dogs.

[wab]

Need more info about what a "slob" is. Are we talking typical lady mess:

- Destroying/covering bathroom in makeup/beauty/feminine hygiene products
- Leaving fucking laundry EVERYWHERE and never doing laundry for weeks on end seemingly
- Shoes! Thousands of fucking shoes! And they're EVERYWHERE
- Various hair accoutrements showing up on bedside tables, in blankets, couch cushions
- Using all the fucking towels

Or typical slob stuff:

- Dishes: Not scraping, not loading, not emptying, and overusing
- Trash: Overstuffing the trash can full of stuff instead of taking it out
- Sink: Treating the garbage disposal like it's an industrial shredder, routinely clogging plumbing & wrecking your GD
- General neglect and no desire to clean or dust anything in the house at any time

All of the above. And leaving her PJ's on the bathroom floor...and when I thrown them in the hamper I get "I was gonna wear those again tonight!".


She grew up in a very affluent house. Her dad was an Air Force General and was gone pretty much all the time, so she had a nanny and a housekeeper...and she never learned how to to a single. god. damn. thing. for. herself.

The house looks like a homeless shelter but her car is fucking spotless at all times. "YOU LEFT A CHIPOTLE CUP IN THE CONSOLE OF MY CARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.

[Rusty Trombagent]

Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.

wab please i'm begging you to stop, i can only get so erect

[G08]

Yeah, well you forgot to flush your 3ft long turd because you were busy facebooking on the can and forgot.

[mmmc_35]

I found this funny today.

I am sitting down paying bills. Bills that I don't really understand. Bills that pretty much just irritate me. So I am paying my utility bill. After I submit the payment it always increases a few dollars. I have always figured it was taxes and fees, but never really looked at why.

Today it caught my eye, why final payment increases after I submit and accept it. I am charged $5 for a "convenience" fee. Yes its so convenient to give, the utility company, my money online. So convenient that I MUST PAY for the convenience.

Now I am not charged this fee when I bring them a check. I am not penalized for forcing them to staff a person to greet me, another to accept my check, and probably another to take my check to the bank. So I must question who the fuck is this actually a convenience for? It seems to me I should be given a credit, for not inconveniencing the utility company. Sending binary code through space to immediately give them my money seems much more efficient.

So luckily the utility company is on the way to and from my job. That's convenience. Luckily I can stop in and pay, in cash. That's convenience. Luckily they will not be able to charge me for that convenience. That's convenient. Luckily they will be forced to process the cash, and have change on hand, all which will cost them. That's inconvenient for them. This marks the first day in the Convenience War.

[RING4CHI]

My mother-in-law has a heart of gold, but doesn't have a brain to go with it.

My wife and I celebrated our first anniversary back in September. The MIL brings over gifts for us. An umbrella and a 3 pack of flashlights. Then for Christmas, we were given a 2 pack of electric toothbrushes.

[wab]

My mother-in-law has a heart of gold, but doesn't have a brain to go with it.

My wife and I celebrated our first anniversary back in September. The MIL brings over gifts for us. An umbrella and a 3 pack of flashlights. Then for Christmas, we were given a 2 pack of electric toothbrushes.

That's nothing if not practical. My first Christmas gift from my ex MIL was a craftsman wrench. Not a set of craftsman wrenches...just one. One 9/16 wrench.

My first Christmas gift from my new MIL was an iPad.

[Boris13c]

Cat Food

So for Christmas I got the wife and kids a puppy. She wanted another dog or a kid. I chose dog. She said I wouldn't have to do anything, she loved the dog so much. She would walk her, feed her, train her, etc. Obviously that was a lie. So I have had to fix some of the deficiencies. I finally got her house broke and working on basic commands. I feed the dogs, had to clean most of her shits, and basically I am the main care giver.

Recently my wife bought a giant bag of cat food. She opened it and placed it on the floor in our back room. I caught the pup eating out of the cat food bag, and placed the bag in a cabinet. I explained to my wife the "New Cat Food SOP". She said she understood. My wife broke the SOP consistently. I continued to try and train my wife on the cat food SOP. The wife did not respond well to training.

So a few nights ago I again found the cat food on the floor in the back room. The pup was gorging herself in fish shaped goodness. I moved the bag to its rightful storage location. That evening the pup had the worst flatulence one has ever witnessed. She could not stop passing gas. To the point the sound and length of the farts worried everyone, including the pup. The humans were forced to retreat to higher ground, abandoning the toxic puppy. The cat food clearly was not sitting well.

Then came the shit. Liquid feces lined 80 percent of the first floor. The home should have been condemned. Luckily I couldn't help clear I had to go to work. Finally karma strikes my wife. She is forced to clean her mistakes. It was foul. I grew up on a pig farm, and this made me nauseous.

Theb Icome home and the house still stunk, the wife woke and began recleaning. I went to bed laughing. When I woke I went downstairs to a clean home. While in transit I stopped and looked in the back room, to find the fucking cat food bag on the floor.

so, the unanswered question is, why did she buy cat food in the first place?

she did realize it was a puppy you brought home, not a kitten?

or did she think all pet food is the same (it isn't)?

[Boris13c]

oh shit i have an award winning story that's going to take me forever to type up.

we're still waiting ..... you tease

[mmmc_35]

so, the unanswered question is, why did she buy cat food in the first place?

she did realize it was a puppy you brought home, not a kitten?

or did she think all pet food is the same (it isn't)?

No we have a cat. For some reason that dog though loves cat food, even though it fucks her up.

[Boris13c]

so, the unanswered question is, why did she buy cat food in the first place?

she did realize it was a puppy you brought home, not a kitten?

or did she think all pet food is the same (it isn't)?

No we have a cat. For some reason that dog though loves cat food, even though it fucks her up.

ah

well, puppies will eat pretty much anything ... better keep him away from the cat's litter box

[o-pus #40 in B major]

My wife is an absolute slob. That is all.

Mine were, too - and they all found a way to blame me for it.

[mmmc_35]

I forgot about this thread and should have posted some amazing stories, that one day I maybe able to remember. However tonight I will regal you with something mediocre but in my opinion hilarious.

So the school year just started, and I have two 2nd graders and a 4th grader. Of course naturally my daughter gets sick on the second day with a 102° fever. I call the school in the morning and explain her absence. I was informed by the secretary, and then the principle, children require doctor's notes to be considered sick from school. I of course ask if they will allow me to send her to school with a fever. They state i can not due to their "feverish kids don't learn good" policy. So I explain that it's asinine to require a doctor's note for a common illness treated with 7up and chicken noodle soup. They explain that it is a new district policy and kids get 10 non doctor related absences.

So I contract the district administrator via email. I polietly explain that this new policy is rediculas, and not enforceable. What are they going to do, not teach children? I explained that to drive to the doctor, wait around sick people, and pay a doctor, for a 24 hour bug is dumb. So I state I will not adhere to this.

I am emailed by the administrator stating he would look into the matter. The guy who apparently signed off on this policy doesn't know about it? I find that odd

3 days later get a response. His response essentially states that they now require doctor's notes for sick days. That's the expectation. He did say he looked into this though and hoped it helped. Good job!

So I respond back

"Yes they are the same expectations I mentioned in my first email. The ones I will not follow if my kid has a normal sickness. If they are sick and do not require a doctor's attention, I will not go to the doctor. Just like when you are sick, I bet you don't go to the doctor every time. Why wouldn't you go? Perhaps because common illness can be treated with OTC meds, rest, and sometimes chicken noodle soup. You also may not go to the doctor for an illness because it costs money, you have to drive to visit other sick people, or if your very forward thinking it backs up The health care system. The issue here is common sense. Kids commonly get little"bugs" that do not require doctor intervention. Thanks though for looking into it. I appreciate all that you do. "

How fucking stupid and bureaucratic are we getting that you can't tell if your kid has a cold. I find it hilarious.

[malk]

What happens if you just ignore it? I've got a couple of years before I need to deal with this shit but the current plan is just to ignore any of the bollocks and assume they're also too lazy (in a good, subversive way) to apply any sanction.

[mmmc_35]

What happens if you just ignore it? I've got a couple of years before I need to deal with this shit but the current plan is just to ignore any of the bollocks and assume they're also too lazy (in a good, subversive way) to apply any sanction.

Oh that's what's going to happen. I am not doing shit. I just thought it was funny they thought they could require it. Fuck of f

[Atkins&Rebel]

What happens if you just ignore it? I've got a couple of years before I need to deal with this shit but the current plan is just to ignore any of the bollocks and assume they're also too lazy (in a good, subversive way) to apply any sanction.

Oh that's what's going to happen. I am not doing shit. I just thought it was funny they thought they could require it. Fuck of f

All policy starts with the voted in school board. An email to the school board reminding them they are voted in, can sometimes get assinine policy changed at the 'buck stops here' level. Otherwise you may have to run for the school board and get it changed yourself...

[wab]

Our school has the same policy. I get it, that's why they give them a set amount of "non doctors note" days. But it's stupid. What's even more better though, is I can't call my kid into school sick any more. I just send them with a note the next day. There is no more absence line.

[mmmc_35]

You actually go to the doctor?

I think I am going to make fun of it to this school board.

[wab]

You actually go to the doctor?

No, only if they need to go. But if they miss I have to send them with a handwritten note, from me. Like "hey, I know you noticed my kid gone yesterday, so here's a note from me saying my kid was gone yesterday".

[mmmc_35]

So I use to think I wasn't as "redneck" as some people thought. I mean I got all my teeth, drive a shitty car and listen to science books. Sure I grew up on a farm, and had to kill more then one rodent (rabbits, squirrels, and raccoons count as rodents) whom entered my home as a kid. However this weekend I realized I might be. I am going to skip a lot of details.

My family has not served hard alcohol at family events for years. You see we commonly drink to fast, and have a bit too much of a fighter's spirit. Meaning we get hammered and someone gets into a fight.

Well someone this weekend at a wedding started handing out shots. Now my wife is a city girl. City people often don't realize when they are in danger. My mom is a 120lb savage. Sure she now owns a veryy respectable business, but she has thrown more hay bales and choke slammed enough men to say she isn't overly prissy.

Well naturally my wife got hammered and talked to much. My mom got hammered and didn't talk enough. My wife not realizing she was in danger got choke slammed by my mom. I was not there but the almost 60 year old made it look easy.

So the wife tells me the next day, "I can't believe that, it was crazy, all your childhood stories make sense. " I say yeah but it was just a scuffle no big deal. My wife disagrees adamantly. This is apparently her first partial whooping. I have tried to explain, politely, that it's normal. She will get over it, both parties where wrong. It happens. Of course the whole time playing the good husband roll. She looks away me and says, you are all fucking hillbillies, you can fight and get over it like it didn't happen. She of course can't and won't talk to my mom forever, even though it was her mouth that said some shit.

So I guess I am a bit more backwoods then I thought. This is why we don't drink hard alcohol at family events.

[wab]

So I use to think I wasn't as "redneck" as some people thought. I mean I got all my teeth, drive a shitty car and listen to science books. Sure I grew up on a farm, and had to kill more then one rodent (rabbits, squirrels, and raccoons count as rodents) whom entered my home as a kid. However this weekend I realized I might be. I am going to skip a lot of details.

My family has not served hard alcohol at family events for years. You see we commonly drink to fast, and have a bit too much of a fighter's spirit. Meaning we get hammered and someone gets into a fight.

Well someone this weekend at a wedding started handing out shots. Now my wife is a city girl. City people often don't realize when they are in danger. My mom is a 120lb savage. Sure she now owns a veryy respectable business, but she has thrown more hay bales and choke slammed enough men to say she isn't overly prissy.

Well naturally my wife got hammered and talked to much. My mom got hammered and didn't talk enough. My wife not realizing she was in danger got choke slammed by my mom. I was not there but the almost 60 year old made it look easy.

So the wife tells me the next day, "I can't believe that, it was crazy, all your childhood stories make sense. " I say yeah but it was just a scuffle no big deal. My wife disagrees adamantly. This is apparently her first partial whooping. I have tried to explain, politely, that it's normal. She will get over it, both parties where wrong. It happens. Of course the whole time playing the good husband roll. She looks away me and says, you are all fucking hillbillies, you can fight and get over it like it didn't happen. She of course can't and won't talk to my mom forever, even though it was her mouth that said some shit.

So I guess I am a bit more backwoods then I thought. This is why we don't drink hard alcohol at family events.

I get it. It wasn't Christmas until someone got shitfaced and shoved someone into the tree.

[G08]

So I use to think I wasn't as "redneck" as some people thought. I mean I got all my teeth, drive a shitty car and listen to science books. Sure I grew up on a farm, and had to kill more then one rodent (rabbits, squirrels, and raccoons count as rodents) whom entered my home as a kid. However this weekend I realized I might be. I am going to skip a lot of details.

My family has not served hard alcohol at family events for years. You see we commonly drink to fast, and have a bit too much of a fighter's spirit. Meaning we get hammered and someone gets into a fight.

Well someone this weekend at a wedding started handing out shots. Now my wife is a city girl. City people often don't realize when they are in danger. My mom is a 120lb savage. Sure she now owns a veryy respectable business, but she has thrown more hay bales and choke slammed enough men to say she isn't overly prissy.

Well naturally my wife got hammered and talked to much. My mom got hammered and didn't talk enough. My wife not realizing she was in danger got choke slammed by my mom. I was not there but the almost 60 year old made it look easy.

So the wife tells me the next day, "I can't believe that, it was crazy, all your childhood stories make sense. " I say yeah but it was just a scuffle no big deal. My wife disagrees adamantly. This is apparently her first partial whooping. I have tried to explain, politely, that it's normal. She will get over it, both parties where wrong. It happens. Of course the whole time playing the good husband roll. She looks away me and says, you are all fucking hillbillies, you can fight and get over it like it didn't happen. She of course can't and won't talk to my mom forever, even though it was her mouth that said some shit.

So I guess I am a bit more backwoods then I thought. This is why we don't drink hard alcohol at family events.

Be honest, mmmc... you wished like hell you were there to see it

[mmmc_35]

I am glad I didn't so I didn't get into any trouble and can be completely neutral. However tell yeah I wish I saw it. It has caused a ton of bull shit drama and according to my brothers it was epic. So i get all the negative with no payoff.

[malk]

I want to hear more about how you listen to books? :P

[mmmc_35]

I want to hear more about how you listen to books? :P

Audible. Love it.

[UOK]

I want to hear more about how you listen to books? :P

Audible. Love it.

Can't quite get into Audible, but I've recently converted to a Kindle and it's pretty awesome. I still have a TON of actual book-books, but the digital medium is very nice. I thought it would be more jarring to use an e-reader but I actually dig it quite a bit.

[malk]

I want to hear more about how you listen to books? :P

Audible. Love it.

Can't quite get into Audible, but I've recently converted to a Kindle and it's pretty awesome. I still have a TON of actual book-books, but the digital medium is very nice. I thought it would be more jarring to use an e-reader but I actually dig it quite a bit.

I use my phone as an ereader, nice having a big pile of books with me at all times. It's quite a big phone so there's no issue with size but it probably isn't great for the amount of blue light I get at night.

Haven't tried audiobooks, how long do they take to get through? I've pretty much got enough podcasts to fill my commute but a book once in a while would make a nice change, if it didn't take forever to get through.

[Otis Day]

Off the intellectual shit and off to dip shit.

This is just stupid. I am not a huge drinker, alcohol fucks with me big time (health wise).

At an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party last year. I was pissed at the Bears and was wearing the Ditka era Bears sweater.

I was hitting the hard liquor (Fireball, Peppermint schnapps, homemade apple pie moonshine) pretty hard along with some beers.

The party was in a garage. Toward the end of the night, for whatever reason, I tried to run through the garage door. Not only did a bounce off, about 10' backward, I fell out and did a header on to the drain in the floor. Not drunk that would have probably hurt like hell, drunk as shit, didn't feel it. I don't remember much of the night but everyone else does and they enjoyed my stupidity.

[mmmc_35]

Longest book was 26 hours, shortest 2.5. I drive in my squad with either books or podcasts. I even without too them. So it's a bit different.

Otis. If occasionally you don't test your masculinity vs an non defeatable object you will it. You tested yours enough for a couple years.