The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Twas the night Before Christmas
Moderator: wab
-
Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
12 Redneck Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
-
Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
Dear Santa...
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
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Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
The Twelve Days of Christmas
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal ! !
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS ! ! !
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.
NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !
I MEAN IT. BY GOD !
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."
THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.
THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal ! !
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS ! ! !
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.
NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !
I MEAN IT. BY GOD !
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."
THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.
THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-
Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole
-
Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
Santa's Dilemma
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
-
Rockbear99
- Assistant Coach
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:00 pm
- Location: North Dakota
Christmas Physics
After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
-
UOK
- Site Admin
- Posts: 25168
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2008 11:07 am
- Location: Champaign, IL
- Has thanked: 109 times
- Been thanked: 939 times
My fave of them, nice!Rockbear99 wrote:Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole
Hell yeah Roady.
F*&K you Santa. Not only are you a prick, but I spent 6 hours shopping on Dec. 23rd (looking for a d*mn stuffed lamb which apparently they just don't f*&king make) and YOU get all the f*&king credit. When I hear "Santa got me the lamby I wanted" I want to scream "F*&K SANTA... I got you that sh*t."
So between the two of 'em... Santa and Jesus are taking credit for everything cool I do. If I do something good, Santa gets credit and apparently Jesus wants all my sins. You know what... f*&k that. You wanna die for some sins, go get your own. Get your own g*d-damned dead-tranny-hooker. This one's mine!
CAPTAIN MEATBALL!