Faced with this challenge, a lesser man would cower like Iziaslav Yaroslavich in 1076 facing Bolesław the Bold’s expedition to Kiev. HA!
But you know and I know that iron sharpens iron. This is the test that I have been preparing for my whole life. I vowed that I would not fail you, fellow Bears fans. And so I set out. I scoured every corner of the earth searching for the greatest football players, for you my brethren. I have logged so many miles on Lot Airlines that these women are like daughters to me:
IN FACT! My third wife has cited the time spent working on this Barrel as grounds for divorce because she does not understand what it means to have a true calling. I will not make this same mistake with my next wife. But the search for her will have to wait, because it is time to FERMENT.
Now, one note before we begin. When I say that I scoured every corner of the earth, I mean it. Some of the picks I am about to present to you may seem to push the very limits of what the NFL draft is capable of, but I assure you that I have consulted some of the brightest lawyers in Kraków, and they have assured me that this is all legal under the current collective bargaining agreement.
So, without further ado, may I present:
Now, for the first pick, I’ll admit it: If it aint broke, dont fix it. I have listened to you, Bears fans. I have seen the fanbase energized by quarterback fever. The chance to draft a generational talent unlike any before him, at the most important position in the game. The near cultish fervor fans have for this player! And I am not one to swim against the current. There was only ever one choice, as plain as day.
With the first pick in the 2024 NFL draft, our Chicago Bears will select -
MATT DZIERSKI, QUARTERBACK - CHRISTOPHER NEWPORT UNIVERSITY CAPTAINS
As obvious a choice as this is to any football fan with two brain cells to rub together, I know that some of you are foolishly married to our current quarterback. You look at Matt Dzierski and you wring your hands at his numerous NIL deals with such luminous brands as Bobak’s Sausage, Polish electric golf cart manufacturer Melex, and Saint Adalbert Catholic Cemetery (the largest Polish Cemetery in Chicago!). You fret about his controversial photo spread in Eastern Europe’s top magazine for seniors over 50, Poradnik 50+:
As an aside, WHAT DRIP that young man possesses! This man about to do for poorly tied half-windsor knots what Kanye did for wearing pantyhose over your face:
(Adjust your wardrobes accordingly.)
You BALK at his insistence that he aims to be immortal, forever with us like a hermetically sealed barrel of the finest Cabbage you’ve ever smelt.
Now, I could be petty and dismissive as these are the complaints of small minded boomers, afraid of the world changing around them, but I am a uniter, not a divider. So to his detractors, and you know who you are, I offer two olive branches. First, this statline from his 2021 season:
Named NJAC Offensive Player of the Year and a first team All-Conference selection in his first season as the starter under center ... Led the offense by throwing 15 touchdowns and running for 10 scores
A 3:2 thrown to rushing touchdown ratio? If that doesnt scream continuity, I dont know what does. Honestly you could say that Justin Fields walked so that Matthew Dzierski could fly.
If you still arent convinced? I humbly submit this photo of him from 2021:
Fields might be H1M, but Dzierski is Wybran1ec! On my traditional prospect rating scale of 1-5 Smalec’s, I give him 7 tubs of sandwich lard! HE. IS. THAT. GOOD.
OK, now here is where the draft gets TRULY interesting. The Mel Kipers of the world can eat shit, because this is pure, unadulterated INSIDER DRAFT INFO.
You guys know Andy’s Deli Mikolajczk Sausage Shop over on N Milwaukee, right? Of course you do, I dont know why I asked. SO ANYWAY, awhile back I pop in to grab some duck's blood for my Busia’s czarnina, and I get a hot tip. A HOT tip. My buddy Zbigniew just got back from Wroclaw, and he is a bundle of energy. A real live wire! I hadnt seen him this excited since Wiklanski’s Bakery had half-off pazcki!.
So he had gone home to take in a Wroclaw Panthers (European League of Football) game, and they’ve got this hot young kid named Jakub Wąsiel who’s lighting the league on fire!!!
The player from Szczytno joined the Panthers in the 2019 season, becoming the MVP of the national championship finals in the same year. He won the Polish championship twice with the Wrocław team, and in his debut ELF season, he was the second-highest scorer for the Panthers, earning a spot in the ELF All-Star Team.
Now, everyone knows Szczytno has been pumping out football all-pros since before we were twinkles in our father’s eyes, but this kid is different. They call him “POLISH LIGHTNING” and I’m told it has absolutely nothing to do with a string of unsolved arsons he’s being investigated for. This kid is burning secondaries as easily as he’s burning laundromats and synagogues! (ALLEGEDLY!)
Check out his first incredible highlight on his HUDL page:
https://www.hudl.com/profile/5181059/Jakub-W%C4%85siel
I. REST. MY. CASE.
We are trading the 9th pick in the first round to the Wroclaw Panthers for Jakub Wąsiel, WR.
As a prospect, I’m rating him 6 Smalecs and 2 Studzieninas.
Next up, it’s a long wait til the 75th pick in the third round, where we will be laughing our asses off watching all kinds of pluchas and tyłeks go off the board, smug in the inside knowledge that the league will NEVER see this next move coming.
NOW, everyone knows that deep in the heart of every basketball player exists a longing to play tight end, and that is why we will be trading our third round selection to the Golden State Warriors for:
Brandin Podziemski, Guard (and future hall of fame tight end)
From a glowing write up in the Athletic:
https://theathletic.com/5273977/2024/02 ... riors-nba/
For most athletes, there is a thin line between confidence and delusion. For Warriors guard Brandin Podziemski, the line doesn’t exist, the two extremes seemingly cooked in the same pot, producing a form of self-belief that shocks even legends.
You know what else you cook in a pot, with equal parts confidence and delusion? My Busia’s golumpkis. I expect this kid, once he acclimates himself to the NFL, will be just as savory and satisfying as the best cabbage roll you’ve ever eaten. BUT ALSO JUST AS DANGEROUS.
The article continues…
“BP,” Hayes called out before a recent game. “You remember talking trash to John Lucas in the Rockets workout?”
“Oh, yeah,” Podziemski replied.
Podziemski and Lucas, the former NBA point guard and legendary development coach, were arguing about who was the greatest lefty guard in the building. It was an early peek into the mindset that has earned Podziemski so much respect.
“He talk shit all day,” Green said. “That’s all he do.”
I know TMP has been practically BEGGING the Bears to draft a player with swagger, with confidence, with a GOD DAMN personality. This kid is so good at it, when he’s boxing out linebackers in the red zone, it’ll be so demoralizing their children will experience generational trauma FOR GENERATIONS. Their children’s children’s children will never know a moment of peace when PODZIEMSKI is done with them.
As a prospect, I’m rating him 5 Smalecs, 1 Studzienina and 2 Blood Sausages. 1 Studzienina has been deducted because technically he has never played a down of football in his life… But imagine! If he’s already this good at a useless sport like basketball, the sky is the absolute limit in the NFL.
Finally, our fourth round (via PHI) pick, #122. It’s obvious that we need help on the defensive line. Montez cant do it all on his own. I respect him and his game, but he’s just one man with questionable heritage. So when scouting defensive linemen, I took inspiration from easily the greatest defensive lineman the Bears have ever had: Dusty Dvorcek!
(seen here briefly inconvenienced by an out of control police state)
How do I match the relentless AGGRESSION and INTENSITY that Dusty has brought with him every step of his journey, from OU campus keggers to the Omaha Nighthawks of the UFL, to area Oklahoma bars later in life? I was stumped, so I posed this question to the smartest man I know: My father.
My dad starred at defensive end at St Rita and NIU, and I’m told could have gone pro, but instead took a lucrative sales position at Zayres, which lead to a managerial position at Radio Shack. You could say he’s reached the top of the mountain in all his endeavors, so I sought his sage wisdom. He had that Dvoracek mindset; In football and in life, you’re either hittin people, or you're getting hit. And who wants to get hit?
AND THEN IT DAWNS ON ME. I’m wasting my time scouring the collegiate system when I should be scouring the penitentiary system. In my research I came across this fascinating article:
https://daily.jstor.org/the-first-famou ... hind-bars/
The First Famous Football Team Behind Bars. Sing Sing’s football team, The Black Sheep, ascended to fame even though its players were incarcerated. One player was so good, he signed with the Eagles.
…And it was like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. With our final pick, #122, in the 2024 NFL draft, the Chicago Bears pick:
Karol Chwiesiuk, the Chicago police officer arrested for storming the capitol on January 6th.
From the Sun Times:
Karol Chwiesiuk testified that he didn’t know what was happening at the Capitol that day, despite advance notices on his phone of protests at the Capitol, and that he saw no signs that anything was amiss that day, despite smashed windows and hand-to-hand combat between police and rioters.
If this man’s defense on the football field is half as proficient as his defense in the court room? Fit this man for a gold jacket now. He’s a lock for the hall. This guy’s got icewater in his veins, listen to this:
“It was still rather tame,” Karol Chwiesiuk told the judge Wednesday, “compared to the rioting I witnessed as a police officer in 2020” during the protests over the police killing of George Floyd. “My work desensitized me to rioters’ behavior.”
THIS GUY FEELS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Think about how much we’ll save just in Toradol alone! Now, here’s the money shot:
Reyes, handling only her fifth sentencing after being appointed to the bench last year by President Biden, said she did not think the Chwiesiuks drove from Chicago to the District with the intent to invade the Capitol, though Karol Chwiesiuk did text a cousin on Jan. 3 that he was traveling “to save the nation” and also to harm “some commies.”
At ease, soldier. Those are lofty goals, but all we’re gonna ask you to do is save DA BEARS and harm “SOME COMMIES” (the publicly owned Green Bay Packers).
Prospect Rating:
Now, normally, this is where my barrel would end, I’ve spent all our picks. But since I went into this thinking we had five picks in our draft, I prepared 5 picks for the barrel. So I’ll include my number 1 UDFA target, which was slated for our fourth round pick.
NIU HUSKIES KICKER Brian Kolodziejczyk
LOOK AT THIS INCREDIBLE LEG:
[video] [/video]
Now, before you guys get your panties in a bunch, I recognize there are two problems with this pick:
-Trenton Gill remains a much bigger liability on special teams than Cairo Santos.
-NFL Jersey nameplate technology is years away from being able to hand a last name as glorious as KOLODZIEJCZYK.
But while you children are playing checkers, I’m playing 4 dimensional chess. Brian has MORE than enough leg to cover both kicking AND punting duties. So to the delight of Bears fans everywhere, Trenton will be relieved of his punting duties.
BUT! With every act of savagery, an act of kindness. Trenton will be allowed to stay gainfully employed by the Chicago Bears, but his sole duty will be to change his last name to -CZYK and stand next to Brian at all times while he is on the field THUS SOLVING OUR SECOND PROBLEM.
I asked the most powerful computer in Poland (ironically sold to them by my father at Radio Shack, humble brag) to conjure up an image of what this might look like, and honestly, it is a work of art on par with the greats, from The Picasso to the Cloud Gate. I cannot think of anything more beautiful to end this draft prieview with. I proudly present you the next great Chicago work of art: “THE KOLODZIEJCZYK”:
